sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need a burrito and a hug.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize