Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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