I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
