The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My liver just broke up with me...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
