He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
