i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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