I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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