Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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