We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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