Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
