Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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