WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
