i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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