Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need a beard to bite.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
