the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
