i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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