Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
