Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
