I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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