I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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