Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
