It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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