Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
