don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
