did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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