I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
