I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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