Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
