She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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