my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
