you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
