There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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