Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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