I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
