Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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