Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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