It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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