1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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