4 words: hood of his car
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
