Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
