I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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