I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize