The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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