I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
