when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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