I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
