I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
