I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
