I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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