I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
