like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
