My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
