So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
