You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
