You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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