Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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