Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
