How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
