I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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